Bedroom door carefully locked...Watching your favorite porn star...One hand inside the blanket (because it's cold)...
Point is, how many times did we fantasize about a particular erotic act with our future/current partner? Everyone wants a "rockstar" sex life, don't we? Unmarried men would have countless times thought of how crazy their first night would be! The scene from Gangs of Wasseypur 2, Faizal's first night with his wife! Exaggerated but that's some honest portrayal on the silver screen.
Besides that, sex in various positions, locations like car or pool or maybe even kitchen, the list has quite many things to do! But do these fantasies come true for all after their marriages? No, not for all! For some married couples, even a regular sex life becomes a distant dream, whatever the circumstances may be. Such marriages going through this 'dry spell' are termed as unconsummated marriages.
For those who are unaware, it is used to describe the relationship between married couples who haven’t been able to have a sexual relationship.
Busy dealing with our social and professional life we often forget or overlook our personal life issues with our soulmate. One such and one of the major issues post-marriage is known as ‘ Unconsummated Marriage’.
These cases have become so prevalent that even Bollywood has started addressing it in movies like Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam, Namaste London and Shubh Mangal Saavdhan where you see the lead actors on-screen having a messed-up marriage and sex life between them.
For the first time in Shubh Mangal Saavdhan, the audience also witnessed a Bollywood film which openly talked about Erectile Dysfunction. Starring Ayushman Khurrana in the lead, he falls in love with the actress Bhumi Pednekar. The duo tries to find a solution when their relationship undergoes a setback after he discovers that he suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Often living in such a toxic relationship with your partner, you either give-up by parting ways or settle down with the situation and continue to spend your life with them. Unconsummated Marriage is one such major issue which has never been hyped or talked about in India, due to lack of knowledge or concern over the issue.
But, it’s time we address some of the common causes of Unconsummated Marriage…
Lack of Knowledge about Sex - India has always been behind when it comes to sex education or sharing our thoughts over it. Even expressing an opinion about the topic is taken as a bold move by the people with old mindsets. As if arranged marriage with the stranger for a lifetime wasn’t scary enough for the couples that there’s addition of first-night sex termed as, post-marriage official and mandatory sex.
- The pressure from the society, family and either of the partner for immediate sex, post the wedding.
- No clue on how to get started with it.
- Awkward conversations with less eye contact lead to a barrier for intimacy between the two.
Sexual Dysfunction is a difficult struggle that is experienced by an individual or a couple during any stage of their normal sexual activity, including physical pleasure, desire, preference, arousal or orgasm.
- Erectile Dysfunction - Where a man can feel the inability to get and keep the erection firm enough during sex to satisfy him and his partner.
- Premature Ejaculation (PE) - is ejaculating (Cumming) sooner than a man or his partner would like during sex. Occasional PE is also known as rapid ejaculation, premature climax or early ejaculation. It might not be a cause of concern but, it can be frustrating if it makes your sex less enjoyable and impacts your relationship.
- Performance anxiety in males - is caused by negative thoughts about their ability to perform well during sexual activity. This may include feelings of sexual scarcity or the inability to please a partner. These feelings may be influenced by body image, penis size, or perceptions about manliness or a man's role.
- Vaginismus in females - is an involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina in women. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration, painful or impossible.
- Thick hymen - Not everyone's hymen looks the same and some women are even born without one. However, if the woman's hymen is thick it gets difficult for the penis to break the hymen and enter the vagina.
- Small vagina - If the vagina is tight or small you may experience pain and discomfort during penetration due to which you may not be able to complete the final stage of intercourse.
- Stress/ Fatigue / Work Pressure – At this time and age, competition at the workplace is such that in no time it turns into a work-pressure. Those days are far gone when the husbands used to work all day long and wives used to be the homemaker waiting for their soulmates at home to spend some quality time. The culture has changed a lot. Now married women are also a working individual and due to work pressure by the time the couples reach home, they feel fatigued or most of the time are stressed over the work for the next day. However, very few are lucky to cut off from work during the weekends but, either of the partners is always tied up on the weekends too. Due to which, it makes it all the more difficult to spend some quality time with each other.
- Alcohol and Smoking - While some people also have a habit of drinking alcohol or smoking daily, either as a priority or due to stressful life...apart from being bad for your health, alcohol loosens your body and makes you feel even more careful and inactive. Whereas, Smoking choke ups your chest with harmful chemicals that later leads to diseases like lung cancer, heart disease, stroke, cataracts and more. Needless to say, this kind of lifestyle shall affect your sex life even worse.
It’s a human tendency that we always tend to expect a lot from others but with building-up expectations, we tend to ignore the messed-up relationship with our partner.
- While some partners expect intercourse to take place immediately after the wedding whereas others turn sexual intercourse into a mission.
- Few tend to try every position in the race to compete but, with whom only they might know. While others refrain from physical intimacy due to anxiety or fear of replicating their past experiences.
- However, some like physical affection without becoming sexually arousing, while others may enjoy all sort of sexual activities including oral and manual sex but, precluding intercourse.
With this lack of knowledge, sexual dysfunctionality, upside-down lifestyle and unmet expectations… couples continue with no sexual activity, part ways or get into extra affairs instead of coming up with ways to come out of this situation.
But isn't this situation fixable? Don't they deserve to lead a happy Sexually married life? Yes, they do.
And hence, we will get you covered in our next part of the article where we will be talking on how you can get over this messed-up, no-sex marriage, bust all the myths and misconceptions you have and help you achieve your bedroom dream come true and get along with each other like never before.